Heichou's Humanity
by Cap'n Lazy Pantz
Summary: This is a story about a short man, who is gifted in the ways of cutting flesh. It's about whether or not he really does have a heart beneath the ice-cold demeanor of his; is there humanity inside of him, or is all foresaken in the war with Titans? -Takes place after Chapter 28! If you have not read that far there will be spoilers in this short story for you!- Rated M for language


The steam wafted up and around him, soaking his body with much needed heat. Strong palms pressed tightly upon the walls of the shower's cage, head bowed, lids held painfully shut. His wet brows wrinkled ever so lightly as portraits of their faces danced across his vision. As the hot water sprayed harshly upon the back of his head, soaking his body with its comfort, emotions of rage and grief boiled in his blood. Color drained from his fingertips as he pushed them passionately into the walls, making use of every effort to hold on to the calm, cold shell of his heart. Rebelliously the thin limbs curled into a tight fist and he found himself offering the small cage a solid punch of frustration… and guilt.

After what felt to be an eternity, he escaped the shower. Snatching the white towel from its perch, he lazily dried his body and then ran the soft material over his head to soak up the excess moisture. Sighing heavily as the burdens of the dead weighed on his shoulder, Levi wrapped the material about his waist and stepped out into his bedroom. Rubbing the back of his neck, he lifted his head in an attempt to stretch the kink. His bare feet stopped upon the cool wooden planks. Soft lips went taut as his intimidating blue eyes narrowed.

Kicking her left leg over her bended right one, she simply smiled and continued to lounge upon the white sheets of his large bed. Clean, chilled hands pillowed her head. Her eyes closed and her demeanor natural. "Did you enjoy yourself?" She asked almost disinterestedly, knowing the routine too well.

Cocking his hip, he continued to glare at the pest that had invaded his personal space and felt irritation threatening to fuel his already touchy emotions. "The fuck you doing here, specs?" He asked rudely, folding his arms across his lean, muscular chest.

This time when she turned her face to him, she opened her eyes and smiled further. "Science of course!"

"Get out," he barked. Levi dropped his arms and strode over to the dresser that sat on the wall opposite the bed. With his back turned to her, he fetched a pair of comfortable pajama pants and tossed them over his shoulder. "Do your damned science tomorrow."

When he turned around and met her gaze, Hanji pulled herself into a sitting position, draping her arms atop her knees. Tonight she was clad casually in a grey-green tank top and with her uniform pants. Her feet were bare and her hair was pulled into a nice ponytail. The attire made her look so feminine that the Corporal thought she would almost pass for normal. He began walking towards her. "What the hell are you doing here anyway? What if someone saw you?"

She simply chuckled and gave a small shake of her head. When he leaned down and bore his scrutinizing eyes into hers, her heart skipped. Hanji noticed his lips twitch for further investigation, but suddenly their gaze had locked onto something deep, something almost mesmerizing and they just couldn't break away. Silence lingered awkwardly in the air as Levi continued to just… _look_ at her. She swallowed and found herself moving towards him ever so slightly.

Reaching out he placed his hand atop her forehead and then turned her face away from him. "You're such a pest." He whispered into her ear. "Keep your damn eyes shut." Standing back up, he dropped his towel.

This time her laughter rang into the room, alleviating the insane beating of her heart from its momentary immobilization. "I don't know why you're so shy. It's not like I haven't seen you completely naked bef—"

Grabbing her arm fiercely, Levi heaved her off the bed and started dragging her towards the door.

"Wait! Heichou!" She pleaded, digging her heals into the hard floor. As the skin scrubbed against the rough wood, she cringed. Placing her hands down, she reached behind her, feeling the hard muscles flex in his thighs as he shoved her along. "Levi, please! Let me stay!"

"I won't be your fucking experiment again Hanji," he snapped at her, giving her a slightly painful push towards the door. "Get out. We have an early morning tomorrow, you know that." He waited for some half-assed excuse but instead he was greeted with silence from the quirky scientist. He took a step closer. _If I have to throw her ass out_— the thought remained unfinished. She turned around and left him speechless. Normally large, excited eyes were glazed over in tears. Her bottom lip quivered lightly. Hanji dropped her arms to her sides. Levi watched as the curves of her neck shifted, the swallowing of a painful lump.

"I can't be alone," she whispered.

The Heichou's expression remained utterly unchanged. The façade of stoicism that he had mastered so perfectly remained loyal even at a time such as this. Their eyes exchanged words that their mouths could never utter. He saw the grief so blatantly eclipsed in those tears. His heart's shell cracked with a familiarity he vehemently didn't want to acknowledge. Sighing with exasperation, he turned his back to her and then nodded towards the bed. "You touch me I'll fucking cut you."

After what felt like hours of staring at a blank ceiling that offered him nothing more than darkness, Levi forced his eyes closed and his mind to drift into nothingness. He had to sleep. He needed to sleep. But in order to sleep, he first had to forget those goddamned faces.

"I don't think anyone ever expected them to die," Hanji said quietly to no one in particular. "Not like that. I feel that it's becoming easier to overlook the people who give their lives so easily for us. It's almost as if all of those faces are turning into a blur."

He remained silent, but continued to listen. The portraits dancing once more.

"We are always fighting, surviving, that I feel we don't get…No." She rolled her head from side to side, disagreeing with the notion. "We don't take the time to properly say goodbye."

"What will saying goodbye to the dead bring you?" He questioned, tone seeming casual. Levi's eyes remained closed, hands folded beneath his head, breathing as calm as ever. After a few more moments of silence, he continued. "Scientifically speaking, what does taking precious time away from surviving to say goodbye to a bunch of corpses really bring you?"

Turning her body to him, she curled her legs up and narrowed her eyes in contemplation.

"Saying goodbye won't bring them back. It won't give their deaths any significant meaning. It doesn't make it easier to accept." His eyes flew open. He rolled his head to the side and lowered his voice a notch. "There will always be dead bodies in the wake of what we do. Saying a few half-assed words for them won't do anyone any good. People die, Hanji. Soldiers die. That's what we are. Lingering in thoughts of the dead will only make you weak."

"Are you telling me, Heichou, that you felt nothing for them when they died? Weren't they handpicked for Squad Levi?"

Tsking he turned from her and closed his eyes. "Quit this bullshit talk. I'm going to sleep." Turning his back to her, he tried to focus on anything other than grief that was eating at him. For the first time in years, he was being affected so severely and he hated every minute of it.

Feminine chuckles flittered to his ears. "I forgot that scientifically speaking, Heichou-san doesn't have an ounce of human emotion within him. For a man who can cut flesh as easily as one would a block of cheese, what is grief?" Her eyes watered and her throat burned as her snickers mutated in laughter bordering on insanity. "Here we have it, the world's shortest nonhuman. Pardon me sir, but I think the real titan here may be you, not Jaeger…" Hanji gasped loudly as her hands were suddenly pinned to the pillow beneath her. She could feel the strength of his arms coursing through his fingertips as his grasp squeezed excruciatingly upon her, the weight of his body hovering above her.

"Just shut your fucking mouth," he spat through clenched teeth.

The moonlight that poured in through the window had made his complexion glow. The muscles in his neck were taut with a version of rage that Hanji had not seen on him for a very long time. The way his brows were scrunched and the depth of which he bore his gaze into her, made her heart shiver.

"Just. Shut. Up." He repeated without the pressure of grinding teeth. "What do you want me to say? Tell me, Specs. Just what the fuck is it you wanna hear from me?"

A gentle tear rolled down the side of her face. Her lips spread in a compassionate smile as she tilted her head to admire the handsomely washed despair upon him. "I want to know that you're human."

His brows relaxed somewhat. Levi moved his hands up and entwined his fingers securely with hers. "Do I not feel human to you?" He leaned closer to her and dropped his face. "Does the heat of my breath feel like a damned titan to you?"

Her lips parted as she saw the blue of eyes look almost silver against the lunar light. But Hanji remained silent.

"Do you think those things are haunted by the people they kill? The people they rip apart with their fucking teeth? Do you honestly believe that the faces of the men and women who die around them every single day don't creep in the corners of their mind like some damned ghost?"

Her brown eyes grew with surprise. Words eluded her.

"What would you have me do? Have these ghosts eat me alive with their memory? If I did that then who the fuck would hunt down those titans that you love to pick and prod at? Who would save the dumbass people from giving into their own fears? What would become of this pathetic trace of humanity then?" He grazed his lips against hers. "Would a damned titan really consider all that? Tell me, Specs."

Shakily exhaling against his warmth, Hanji closed her eyes and sunk her nails into the back of his hand. She wanted to pull him against her and wrap him up securely, to comfort the bulk of all the pain that Levi must have been carrying, and for so long. When she came here tonight, she wanted him to load off on her, even if just for a moment, to alleviate the despair with which he lived. No, that's not entirely accurate. She wanted to know if the Heichou truly was as ready to move forward as he acted. She needed to know if he truly was the cold, heartless beast that all believed him to be. But as she lay beneath him in such a state, the scientist came to realize that this experiment wielded results that her heart simply wasn't prepared to stomach.

Feeling his forehead rest against hers, she opened her mouth but still couldn't find the words.

"Hnh, maybe those bastards really do have it right. To be so fucking numb from all of this is the smartest way to survive. The only way to survive." Raising his head, he looked deeply into her eyes, the cool mask of ferocity being pieced back together. "If we allow ourselves to care that much then we allow ourselves to fall victim to fear. If that makes me a monster, then so be it."

His agony filled her with a new sense of determination. Sinking her nails deeper into the back of his hands, she refused to let him escape. Taking a slow breath she used what strength she had to force the words from her lips. "Then allow me, Heichou, to help you." Raising her head, she gently kissed his left cheek. "Please allow me to help you feel human." She tenderly kissed his right cheek. "I will bear your pain with you, Levi." Hanji pressed her lips to his and prayed to whatever spiritual being that watched over them, if such a being truly existed, that he would never have to feel such agony ever again.


End file.
